It's not what I say... it's my face!

“Sometimes it’s not even what I say (or don’t say). It’s my face!”

That’s what a manager recently told me, after receiving feedback from her leader that she sometimes came across as too aggressive. She didn’t see herself that way, but she understood that under pressure, her facial expressions were saying more than she intended.

What we discovered together was this: the issue wasn’t 'how' she was speaking, but 'why' she was speaking that way.

The challenge wasn’t really the content of the conversations, but the fact that she was staying in them for too long. Longer than she could remain truly present and available. She did it out of a sense of duty, a desire to support, to be a “good leader.”

But when we ignore our own needs, the body ends up speaking for us.

And it rarely does so kindly.

So even if it’s uncomfortable to postpone a conversation to tomorrow (or to pause it halfway through), recognizing our internal limits isn’t weakness.

It’s leadership.

And it gives us two essential things in our daily work:

• Genuine presence, instead of just “being there” with the team

• Finishing the day with energy, instead of feeling drained and irritable

This conversation reminded me that irritation scares us because it seems to threaten our image as rational leaders.

But maybe the real challenge isn’t to suppress it, but to listen to it with curiosity.

If you work in a high-pressure leadership role, you might notice irritation showing up at unexpected times. If that’s the case, it’s worth asking:

Is this irritation something to get rid of, or a message you haven’t yet heard?

If you’d like space to explore that question, drop me a line!